After many years of research, the Saab rear axle has been proven time and time again to be a device known for its ability to bend under pressure. Thanks to years of experience in this field, the fine folks at RallyHo Motorsports are able to provide you with the information you need to make your axle bending experience as painless as possible.
First, you need a bent axle to straighten. Find a rock, tree stump, guard rail or other fairly immovable object and slide your Saab into it. RallyHo driver Mike White likes to either land jumps like the Dukes of Hazzard, or slide into rocks going Maximum Attack through a chicane.
Axle bending complete, you can now move on to the task at hand, straightening the bend enough to make the car roll again. Depending on your circumstances and resources available, there are several ways to do this.
1) The side of road repair. OK, you just hit a rock and now the axle is banana shaped. What you need is something to replicate the force you just experienced, but in the opposite direction. Go back and see if that rock you hit has some friends nearby you can lift. Good. Take the rock and start beating on the part of the wheel that is sticking out from the car and shouldn't be. Don't worry about damaging the rim, if the first hit didn't destroy it, you're probably going to be all right, and if the rim is messed up, it isn't going to lower the scrap metal value any.
This repair isn't going to be perfect. Your goal is simple, just get the wheel to spin at least semi-freely again so you can get to the next step.
2) Side of road with extra assistance. Pull out your tow strap and fasten it to the part of the wheel that is rubbing (or nearly rubbing) the inside of the fenderwell and attach the other end to a group of sturdy Irishmen who love a challenge. Then find a “proper hammer” (biggest rock you can find and carry) and hammer the everliving snot out of the side of the wheel sticking out while your Irishmen pull with all their might. You get bonus points if you have Travis Pastrana giving an interview right in front of you.
Again, perfection isn't expected here, but you should be able to make the car stop chewing the inner sidewall of the tire and hopefully it will only moderately crab-walk down the road.
3) A-Team meets MacGyver. Ultimately, what you want to do is get your injured Saab someplace where slightly more precise repairs can be made. You're looking for a place with access to some tools, equipment and supplies, the sort of place the A-Team of MacGyver would build a tank or an airplane in five minutes. A rally service park is a good substitute. A rally service park located adjacent to a heavy equipment repair shop is an EXCELLENT find.
Now you need somebody who is more than familiar with the terms Port-a-Power and MIG welder and chain them to your car. Seriously -- you don't want him to run away, and you're going to need the chain anyway. Make sure it's heavy chain, something that looks like it should be holding down a bulldozer is good, something to keep a poodle from running off isn't.
Next you need a couple of good scrounges, especially if you left your personal MIG welder sitting in your brother-in-law's garage. Send the scrounges off in search of a Port-a-Power (to those unfamiliar with this item, it's a hydraulic pushing device that can be used to pull or push stubborn objects with ten tons of force or more), a MIG welder, and a generator big enough to power the MIG welder.
Get the tail of your car up in the air. Way up. Use something on top of the jack to get it higher than you normally ever would, so you can use the last notches on your jack stands. Now you have some working room.
Unchain your welding expert long enough to move the chain around the axle forming a triangle with its tip pointing in the direction you need the force applied. Next, take your Port-a-Power and place it between the axle and the chain. Get one of your scrounges to assist you holding everything in place while another one starts to pump the hydraulic cylinder on the Port-a-Power.
Then stop everything for a second when you realize the welding guy will probably be maimed if the Port-a-Power ram slips while doing this. Safety First, you know.
Dig out some nylon straps used to hold a car down on a trailer and wrap them over the car to cradle the Port-a-Power in place and offer at least a slight reduction in the chance your welding guy and his scrounge meet their maker underneath a 26-year-old Swedish Rally Tractor. Ignore the puzzled looks from the spectators now gathered around you, no time to explain.
Get the scrounge pumping the hydraulic ram to put a lot of force into the Port-a-Power. More than that. Lots more. Look the axle seems to be straight again. So keep going. Some more, give it a few more pumps so now the thing looks bent in the other direction almost as bad as it was. OK, loosen everything up. Now do it again even more because that wasn't enough. Repeat several times. Eventually, the axle will look great from 20 or 30 feet away, and that's probably close enough.
You're probably wondering about the generator and MIG welder mentioned a while ago. Here's where they come into play – that newly straight(ish) axle is going to bend right back to banana shape at its first encounter with anything harder than a mud puddle without some sort of reinforcement. Well here's the part where you use them. Connect MIG power cord to generator outlet, fire up generator, flip switch on MIG welder. Turn power up to 11, or in this case 4 and start making sparks fly.
Except that the piece of metal you planned to use doesn't fit, despite measuring twice. OK, go to the back up piece. After 8 or so minutes of zapping away, call it good and tell somebody to get the car back down off the jackstands. Which is when you realize the piece of metal you used to jack the car up super extra high is now keeping the axle straight. Uh, oh.
Fortunately, the activity around your car has caused a small crowd to gather, so instead of using a jack to lower the car, you go for the human option. Three guys on each side of the tail of the car, two guys by the jackstands. Lift, pull stands, and slowly set car on ground. Job done.
Open beers to celebrate the completion of the job.
